Tuesday, 5 May 2009

A realization

For many months now, I have been struggling during the discussions at Play as Being. The group spends less time on meditation than on metaphysical discourse these days, and the latter can often seem trite and futile. It strikes me as idiotic to say "that roundish, grey-striped stone over there doesn't really exist," when I could pick it up and throw it at you. These discussions distress and anger and confuse me.

I struggled with this for a long time, to try to understand and accept the mindview that sees no distinction between an image of a chair projected onto a movie screen and the physical chair that you are sitting in right now, dear reader; but I cannot. Some of my anger and confusion has been directed at myself, for being unable to see this, for being unable to follow my friends in their paths; some of the distress I have been feeling originates in the thought of being left behind as they progress.

Well, I was at a different kind of session last Friday, the old kind of discussion we used to have before the world turned so mystical/philosophical. We spent the hour in meditation and breathing exercises, and talking practically about them both. It was wonderful, I found it refreshing and relaxing and quite enjoyable. And a little light bulb went on in my head:

I do not need to understand or accept everything that everyone around me says and thinks, not even when those things are said and thought by people I respect. In fact, I don't even have to decide whether or not I understand. It is okay to say "I can't do that — yet;" maybe it is even okay to say "I may possibly never be able to do that." In the future I might understand, perhaps; but in the short term I have to reduce the amount of distress in my life. I shall be choosing more carefully which sessions I attend.